It seems that now, with all of my progress over the past two years, I am only beginning to see how much room there is for improvement in me, or how screwed up I really am!
THAT is something to try to wrap my head around... WOW!
I mean really, I know that I will never graduate from this program, likewise I can never know it all or be 'normal' again. Once a cucumber is transformed into a pickel it can not be reversed. Having been convinced of that, I know I have been pickeled and that normal is not an option.
Even when beaten over the head with the obvious, I can still refuse to see a problem for what it is, or for how it might effect others. When I was drinking that task was impossible. Today, my head can still be hard to get through, but I have made some progress in that area.
You know the one about the drunken horse thief, right?
If you sober up a drunken horse thief, you still have a horse thief.
Well, rest assured all of your horses are safe. I have been rehabilitated to some degree. I do not even go near your horses anymore, nor do I desire to touch them. I guess the problem lies in that I still admire them from a distance. This occasional admiration causes my own horse to feel unloved and disrespected.
That is a pretty lame attempt at expressing something that is causing me some trouble.
Evidently the third year unfolding before me will bring growth as did the first two. Realizing that there is more to my problem than just the alcohol or drugs is somewhat of a gradual process. Now that I have removed the substances from the equation my eyes are now opening to what remains, ME. The real me, the faults, the imperfections, the truth. Sometimes this is hard to face, leaving me in need of being beaten over the head with the obvious yet again.
My step work is incomplete. I am on my 9th step amends, mostly waiting for my HP to put those people in my path. Did I mention that one major character defect I have, procrastination? I do have my list of those defects and on most days I am willing to have them removed from me. I probably need to ask for that on a more regular basis.
I know that I need to stay focused on my step work and redouble my efforts in that. My character defects will take me down quickly if I allow it. My disease can manifest itself in any of a number of ways and before I know it I could be out drinking, drugging or stealing horses again - none of those options are truly appealing to me at all.
I know this was not very specific but maybe some of you can read between the lines and relate, I don't know. I just needed to share this. I am working and won't be able to get to a meeting until Thursday night. Even my ability to make phone calls is somewhat limited until then.
Thanks for reading if you did. Have a great day, night, week and so on!
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3 comments:
i soo know how you feel right now. me i am in the remedial program, i am still only on step 7 and i am almost 5 years clean.
i am at a place in my recovery though where i like to learn about myself. i am ok with my shortcomings, for the most part, it is learning to communicate that i am struggling with.
i have learned so many wonderful life skills in recovery and through service work. i think service has been the key for me to stay focused and positive. this too shall pass.
I appreciate the honesty. That is a great step. I think that we all have been horse thieves at one time or another.
C & C, I think we all grow at the pace we are meant to in whatever program we work. I sometimes think I have pushed through some of it just to get there when in fact there is no true destination. The journey itself, fully experienced is the goal and with that we grow into the people we should have been all along.
Syd, I have not stolen a horse in quite some time. Today I feel like stealing a glance at one, with lees than pure motives is causing me just as much trouble as if I stole a whole stable full.
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