Monday, August 22, 2011

Not forgotten...

Hello all..... yes, I am still alive and sober and I even remembered my password, LOL

My last post started off in disbelief that it had been five whole months since the previous post..... um, well..... it's been a bit longer since that one. One year and three days to be exact!

So yes, it is anniversary time again. Thanks to God, the 12 Steps, willingness and sponsorship - as well as so many others on the same journey - I (we) just hit four years clean and sober two weeks ago.

It has surely been a year of ups and downs. Many changes and much growth can be challenging and painful. Getting through all of it with no desire to dilute or pollute my body and mind is such a good feeling.

Attended the N.E.F.O.T.S. conference in Maine again this past March and loved it. I have been doing step work and service whenever possible, fulfilling commitments to my group and to others - all with the help of my most awesome Higher Power, who has given me such a gift..... a miracle! I never thought He even knew I existed much less thought myself worthy of a gift like this. Thank YOU God!

So, I will not make any promises about trying to come back and post more often. It would be nice as I love to write and to share. I just don't make time like I should to maintain a regular blogging schedule.

I do hope all is well with all of you, whomever may read this. Thank you to those followers who didn't drop off because of my non-presence here. I do hope to be back before my next anniversary, God willing. I have faith in Him that He will help me get there as long as I remain willing.

I am willing to move forward and grow today, I am NOT willing to revert to the old me. I remember like yesterday the way I felt four years ago and I never want to feel that way again.

Have a great 24!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Still trudging the road of happy destiny

WOW! Has it really been 5 months since my last post? Well, by looking at the timestamp on the last one it would appear to be just that.

My apologies for my absence and lack of commitment here.

I am fortunate enough today to still be trudging that road and to feel happy, joyous and free.

Just over a week ago I (we) marked 3 years of continuous sobriety.

This A.A. stuff..... well, it really works.

I have much work to do, but I can look back today and see the progress I have made - truly a miracle - by the Grace of God!

Life is not perfect today and never will be, but it is way better than it was in those last few years of my active alcoholism. The mere acceptance of the fact that life will never be perfect says a lot for me, LOL

Honestly, I have been blessed with the willingness to do what it takes. The obsession was lifted quickly after that last night out, when I was given that precious gift of desperation. When I went to court I actually went to the police station and requested a copy of my mug shot from that night. They looked at me like I was crazy saying that nobody had ever made such a request and that they could not do that for me. Personally, I don't think they knew if they could or not and opted to protect themselves by not doing so.


My life has never been better. I have a homegroup, a sponsor and I am working the steps. I am the intergroup rep for my homegroup, I go on speaking commitments, take other service commitments and help others whenever I can however I can. All of this stems from the gifts of willingness & desperation. All of these things are things that I secretly thought I would never do when I first came into the program..... then I drank, one more time..... then 'the gifts'.

Thanks to God, the program, the fellowship and all of you!

I hope to be able to spend more time here reading and sharing in the future. I was on a roll there briefly and I recently felt I have been missing my blogging outlet here and elsewhere.

Until next time.... PEACE & LOVE to you all!

Sunday, March 14, 2010


Hello friends, family...

Just a check note to mention a great experience I had this weekend. I attended NEFOTS. For those who are not familiar, the acronym for NorthEast Fellowship Of The Spirit.

This conference is held annually in Portland, Maine - usually in the first half of March. This year was their 11th year and my second year attending. I probably should have posted something about this when it was still upcoming but it snuck up on me so fast I just didn't think of it.

The conference is based on the 12 Steps as they are laid out in the Big Book, for both AA and Alanon. They have three featured AA speakers (Fri & Sat night and Sun morning) and one Alanon (Sat afternoon). They also have one hour workshop panels on the steps usually with three speakers (2 AA / 1 Alanon) per workshop. Separate panels on Steps 1, 2, 3, 10, 11 & 12; Steps 4&5 are combined as well as 6&7 and 8&9. All very worthwhile to listen to. The AA speaker today (the closer) was incedibly powerful, as was the Sunday speaker last year. I purchased all of the cds of the panels and the speakers last year and this year.

Also throughout the weekend there are a few meetings in the hotel, a banquet and a dance on Saturday night. A great weekend of workshops, speakers and fellowship. I learned a lot last year and felt so good I immediately vowed to return this year and I did, like wise I plane to attend next year. The title of this blog is a link to their site which already has the dates for next year. Check it out if you can, or find a FOTS conference near you!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

A Commitment to a Commitment

My how things can change with a little time, patience & love.

Just over two months ago I was crushed, heart broken... but sober.

Today I am as happy, joyous and free as I ever imagined being. As I have previously posted, my relationship with the woman I love has come back around. We are still 'moving forward' as I had stated in my previous post and are committed to doing so. We are walking and talking through everything together and the last two months have been the most incredible of our journey together thus far.

(Side note - I am often long winded but I am going to keep this brief... I am getting to the point, LOL)

After much thought, consideration and prayer I recently arrived at a decision and have since followed through with it. Two weeks ago she and I went out of town for a show. We had a really nice hotel room and a really nice time overall.

As we were preparing to leave for the show on Saturday night I asked her to sit on the bed. Before she knew what was happening she was unwrapping a small silver wrapped gift as I knelt before her, on both knees. The box contained a small jewelry box which contained a diamond ring! She was so happy, as was I!

As I asked permission to place the ring on her finger we were both in tears. I told her it may not be the ring I would like to have given her but it was the one I chose to represent my commitment to a plan for our future together. I told her that I loved her that I ever knew was possible to love another and I do not want to lose that.

We... are... MOVING... FORWARD...

No immediate plans for a wedding date of to live together. Both will take place when her kids are out of school and she is free to relocate. Until then we are committed to working on our plan for the future one day at a time.

Sobriety is such a gift! God is awesome! Life is sweet!

Much love to you all! PEACE!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Do I Fit In This Picture? WHERE?

Relationships? We all struggle with them in many ways I am sure. I am praying for strength and guidance in dealing with this one... my daughter.

She turns 18 tomorrow. I love her so much and am so proud of her. She is an awesome student and excels in her sport of choice. I have been there to support her at nearly every event she has competed in over the years. This season I have already used a week of vacation time so as to not miss any of her senior year competition.

Every year they have 'Senior Night' where the team's seniors are introduced during the event along with the parents and it's a pretty big deal. Last year I recall being there and wondering what this year would bring. Well, last week I overhead my 'ex' talking to her second 'ex' about senior night coming up this week, tomorrow. This is the first I heard of it as well as the last.

I am extremely hurt.

It seems that my daughter will be escorted by her mother and likely the guy she divorced just over a year ago. Yes, he still comes to her events and is involved in my sons scout troop as well. I respect the guy for all he has done for my kids all along. I can't believe that not I was not asked to be a part of senior night and it was not even mentioned to me.

My ex is very controlling and manipulative. EVERYTHING has to be her way. If you do not conform to her way, her will, then you simply do not matter and do not exist in her world. She would sooner have me not see the kids at all than actually admit I am there father and allow me to really be a part of their lives. Two weeks ago she was telling me something about the kids and she said "... my kids..." while talking to me, as if they were her kids, not our kids, WTF?

My time with them has been limited to an hour or two a week when I am allowed to come to their house and hang out for a while. I do not have my own place to take them. I rent a room in a house and really don't spend much time there. I have nowhere to go with them and trying to get permission to take them anywhere requires a seeming act of Congress.

So I have been trying to get together with my daughter since Friday and it has not worked out, possibly this evening. I feel like I need for her to know how I feel, that I love her and respect her choices but that it does hurt. I really do not want to go and sit through that ceremony... but I will... if I am a part of it or not.

I was considering talking to her mom but that is never a good idea. As soon as I question anything she starts yelling and attacking me. Honestly, I wish I never met her... aside from having my kids she has brought nothing but misery in my life. When I hear her voice in makes me want to jam hot pokers in my ears, likewise with my eyes when I see her. Through all of that I am able to be cordial and even nice to her... but when she says or does something (as she always does) that sets me off, I just have to walk away.

I am praying for strength and guidance with talking to my daughter tonight (hopefully). If anyone can relate or offer any words of wisdom, my eyes and ears are open. I am willing to do whatever the next right thing is to do. The problem is, my thinking... the next right thing to do would be to knock my 'ex' out the next time I see her. Of course I would never do that but man it is a techni-color vision in my mind!

Thank you all for reading if you did and for all of your support all along. I do not come here a lot and when I do it's usually to vent or to find help. I apologize for my lack of involvement here. I am always so busy... thanks again.


Saturday, December 26, 2009

Moving Forward

Two simple words... "Moving forward"

The definition of where I am in so many ways on any given day. I have found myself using these two words together quite often in the past few weeks. Looking back I realize that it has been far longer than a few weeks but only recently has it become clear to me just how often and for how long.

One thing I say a lot, "If I am not moving forward, it's easier to move backward." This means a lot to me. Funny how the meaning of a word or phrases can change in time and application to our lives.

I have been moving forward in many areas of my life, others not so much. As I grow within this program I see more opporunities to apply this little phrase.

The recent break between my partner and I gave me time to look at myself and our relationship. Where was I moving forward? Where was I sliding backward? Where was this heading? How was I effecting her and our relationship?

We have talked at length about the things we need to work on, the things we needed to talk about and the things we need for ourselves as individuals. We got together and talked face to face on Christmas night for a few hours. Our conversations in this week have been among the most honest, open, heart-felt talks we have ever had. We have agreed to move forward, doing all we can to keep the communication at this level. It has been a sort of awakening for me.

We are in fact moving forward, slowly and steadily in an effort to reaffirm our foundation in this relationship and our commitment to one another. We are have opened the lines of communication like never before while establishing some boundaries allowing us time for ourselves to be and do what we need as individuals. In our time together I have never felt better about the relationship than I do today.

We are staring over in a sense, with the huge advantage of knowing each other very well. We are truly blessed with our lives within this program, to be sober and willing to work through things that we used to run from or drink over.

Happy New Year!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas

I just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a very happy and prosperous new year.

My last post I had shared some difficult news and feelings I was dealing with. I am happy to say that one week and one day after my lady and I parted ways, we had what was probably our best conversation ever this past Tuesday. We talked about all of the things that we had a whole week to think about. We talked about our own weaknesses and shortcomings and how they effect our perceptions of who and what we are within the context of our relationship.

We both have our share of 'stuff' to deal with as individuals. As fate would have it, some of my stuff that needs work can stir her core issues at times... and vice-versa at times too. Our willingness to openly discuss when this happens needs to outweigh our willingness to stuff these feelings.

I know I love her. I know she loves me. I know that the relationship is worth the effort. I believe the growth we have experienced and will experience to be worth the occasional discomfort of stepping out of who we were in past relationships in order to grow into who we a meant to be.

We are stepping back, re-evaluating and re-approaching with new attitudes. We still have not seen each other since Tuesday when we agreed to agree. I am at work right now. Going home to see my kids in the morning for Christmas then getting some sleep. I will be seeing my love for a few hours before returning to work tonight. My heart is dancing with the thoughts of seeing and holding my best friend and partner again on Christmas night.

I am truly blessed. Thank You God! And thank all of you for your support.

Happy Holidays!