Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I sit here today contemplating the transformation I have experienced since coming into the rooms and find the results thus far beyond my wildest dreams. When I hit bottom (the last time) I knew I had come to a turning point.... a point where I had to make a decision....
Change or Die....
I had been dying all along, a very slow, painful and self induced death of my spiritual being. I had reached a point where, regardless of my saying I loved someone or something, I did not know love of anything, not even alcohol.
I was in a relationship, founded on empties, saying I loved her. I loved that she could drink like me and did not gripe about my habits. We both had our problems when we met but when we got together it was like oxygen to flame and we were off!
As the relationship ended, we were both trying to find our way to a better life and we both found our bottom as we went our separate ways. It was at this point, alone and hopeless, that I got that gift of desperation. I knew I had to do what I could do for myself to get and stay sober. I also quickly came to believe that God could and would do for me what I could not do for myself.
I got a sponsor with many 24's, a great message of E-S & H, who lives the program 24/7 and was willing to help me. I got myself to as many meeting as possible and managed to get to even a few more. I learned to pray regularly to a God that for many years I believed didn't believe in me. I let go and let Him guide my thinking and my actions and bring good people and things into my life as well as remove some negative of both.
Today, I am unafraid to face my fears. I can greet a stranger comfortably and happily welcome a newcomer without feeling anxious. I can share on a topic when I am moved to or when called on. I can speak at the podium to a roomful of people and not feel as if I am about to do in doing so. I can handle my responsibilities as a functioning, productive adult in this society.
Today I can love.... God, other, myself. I can genuinely express love and gratitude to my children, family & friends. I can express my feelings, good or bad, and resolve problems in a healthy and reasonable way.
The person I am today is the result of a completely miraculous transformation of God and the fellowship of AA. God brought me to AA and AA brought me back to God. I am gonna keep coming back.
Thanks for letting me share.