I am discovering more about myself since getting sober, as my Horse Thief Blog implies. Funny though, how when we discover good things about ourselves they are so easily forgotten once we identify the new and glaring negative trait that comes to light. So with that thought in mind I am trying not to be too hard on myself, just enough to focus on handling this new issue.
The relevance to Step 2 is simple. I again need to come to believe that a Power (God) greater than myself can restore (help) me to sanity (remove the problem/obsession). There is one passage in Step 2 that clearly defines my recent dilemma in all of this:
"As psychiatrists have often observed, defiance is the outstanding characteristic of many an alcoholic."
Well I never realized I possessed an outstanding characteristic of any sort, haha Really, it seems that as life has gotten better, my total willingness seems to have transformed slightly. Now I have more of a willingness to consider being totally willing. Yes, I (we) do have a way of complicating simple things, don't I (we)? The answer to my problem comes in the very last sentence of the chapter:
"True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith, and every A.A. meeting is an assurance that God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to Him."
The truth of it all comes rushing in. My relationship with God currently is not as it once was.
The problem I am currently facing, forms as much of a block to my spiritual growth as any drink or drug could. It makes me willing to leave distance between myself and my HP. It keeps me from wanting to read my daily readings and from hitting my knees. It makes me feel unworthy of what He can and will do for me if only I would do what I know I can do for myself first.
This disease, no matter what form it takes, truly is cunning, baffling and powerful. I have reached out for more help and am trying to right my course before I get too astray.
So as of last night I have accepted Step 1 on another level in my life and tonight Step 2. And so it begins (or continues), the never ending work that needs to be done on this poor soul.
God help me to to what I can, what I have to...