Thursday, November 12, 2009

Letting Go

Let Go and Let God... be God.

That is what I am told is the complete form of the slogan that I have been trying to live, needing to live more and more recently. I am able to simply let go of so much, often without leaving any claw marks on it from trying to take it back.

BUT, there are those occasional things. Things that I swear I am not trying to keep a hold of. Things that actually seem to have a stickiness all their own. Things that, when I am trying to fall asleep will sometimes come rushing in like a super electro-magnet just got turned on in my head, pulling those issues back.

There is one thing in particular. A vague recollection of a drunken evening, or a portion thereof, three years ago. I remember some of it... then, a nasty turn of events. Then I wake up (come to) beaten and bleeding on the sidewalk, alone. It is the 'unknown' portions of this night that often come rushing in to haunt, torture my pre-sleep peace, making it difficult to fall asleep.

There are a few different accounts of what happened that night, none of which I fully believe... sparing you all the ugly details. None of the people involved are a part of my life today. Believe it or not, there were friends involved as well as the police. No charges and no investigation despite my filing a complaint.

I do wish to have this out of my mind and forgotten. I suppose it is a deep resentment that is coming to the surface. I am willing to simply forgive some of the people involved. A few of them I have a less simple forgiveness in mind, one delivered with a Louisville Slugger.

It all seems so long ago and far away, as if it was another lifetime. In a sense it was. I continued to drink/drug for six months after this happened. In fact after this, my consumption increased on all fronts. I am grateful to have survived this one of many nights when I clearly could have or should have died.

So... I am trying to let go and let God... be God. As much as I would like to play God and see that those involved get what they deserve for what happened that night, I cannot. THAT would not be sober behavior. I have to believe that I am right where I am supposed to be. I need to believe that God will handle the justice portion of this for me and I need to just stay out of it.

Maybe one approach I have heard a time or two would apply here:

Pray for the person with whom you have the resentment.
If you are angry with them, pray that they meet God.
If you hope to never see them again, pray that they meet God... TODAY!

Seriously, if anyone has any words of wisdom to offer here, it would be much appreciated.


Mary Christine said...

I would suggest the 4th step.

Just Another Sober Guy said...

Thanks Mary Christine... I did cover one of the people involved in my 4th step initially and actually thought I had forgiven everyone and come to terms with it all. Then when the anniversary of this event recently passed the dreams started coming again. I will talk to my sponsor about reviewing that area again. Thank you again...

Gabriella Moonlight said...

I am with MC on this one, that is what I do when I am stuck or have resentments, they are truly the quickest way for us to drink or die is to keep them. Then of course fifth step it with your sponsor or trusted other.

I think that as we move through recovery through the years more crops us in our lives...more will be revealed...we still have the tools thank goodness...

great blog...thank you for sharing honestly


Cat said...

I can offer no advice. But I am here and I have heard you.

Syd said...

I have prayed for those with whom I have difficulty. I do it for 30 days and surprisingly the resentment went away. It was also helpful to look at my part in things during the fourth step.