Wednesday, December 16, 2009

CRUSHED

Yep, there's a word for it, CRUSHED.

Yesterday morning I was blind-sided by the woman I love. I had came to her house Sunday night, spent the night snuggled up together looking forward to a nice day together yesterday. In the morning after the kids went to school she told me she didn't think that what we were doing was working and that she couldn't do it anymore. I had no idea. I know we have had few things come up and we have been working on or through them, this was a total shock.

She said she needs time to work on herself, her stuff and focus on her recovery. So do I.

We have been seeing each other for well over a year now. Just about two months ago we agreed to limit our time to getting together once a week, meaning one night into a day that we were both off the next day. This was to alleviate stressing each other out over trying to get together whenever possible, as often as three times a week. We don't live in the same town so it is difficult to just get together whenever. Plus she has two teens to care for or contend with depending on the day.

So as I drove home yesterday... crying, praying, crying some more I noticed that there had been nobody in front of me for about 20 miles, making my ride home very quick and free of frustration or obstruction. I looked up and said "Thank You." Often I would be stuck behind someone going at or below the speed limit (God forbid) and end up slightly annoyed or something. This day I was honestly doing nearly 20 over the posted speed limit most of the way. I know, I know... shhhhhh.

Was God clearing the path for me to get home quickly and safely? Making my (possibly) last ride home from her house as quick and painless as possible? Maybe.

Then I finally get behind someone slow. At the next fork in the road they went the way I would normally go, so I diverted, knowing my way home by the other road as well. A quarter mile up, there is short road that connects the one I am on to the one I would have taken. On that short road there was a police officer shooting radar on the road I diverted from. Had that car not pulled out in front of me and slowed me down I would have been nailed on the other road.

Did God put that car in front of me to slow me down or divert me from getting the ticket? Again I believe it's possible. I just looked up and said "Ok, it is ALL YOU. You've go this, you've got me."

Last week I had accepted a speaking commitment for last night at the second oldest meeting in our area. My room mate asked me to speak for him at his anniversary. I of course did show up and keep my commitment. Upon arrival last night he had no idea what had happened. I had the closing 15 minutes to speak. I shared the usual, what it was like, what happened and what it's like now... then what it's like today.

I simply shared that yesterday was one of my worst in sobriety and that I did not need to go into great detail over that. Then I shared that I know that if I was not doing what I need to be doing; going to meetings daily, step work, service work and keeping my commitments that I very easily could have been drunk right now. Even after all of the evidence I just shared that that is not the answer, without doing the footwork I would have been gone. But I do know that no matter what happens a drink will not fix anything.

I have spoken a few times for two or three times the amount of time but never, did I ever share something so real, fresh and painful in such a way. I knew I was in the right place doing the right thing... I knew it. There was so much more to it that I can hardly express properly so I will not try.

What made it all worth it?

Not ten seconds after we closed the meeting, a young newcomer came to me and said, "Thank you so much for sharing. Tonight you gave me some hope." I had chills. I thanked him for being there and just said "keep comin'."

Today I helped my best friend (who is in a wheel chair) decorate his Christmas tree after we went to a meeting together. I love my life today, I love the program and my Higher Power.

Peace all, have a great week!

2 comments:

Gabriella Moonlight said...

I so get this post...remember that you can get through this, for me it's been the hardest year of my sobriety indeed, finding out my husband had multiple affairs over our seven years together, then he's a sex addict, i get a staph infection...I get this post and every ounce of my being wishes to hug you and say it will be okay, just stay sober, work the steps and above all else rely and rely more on your higher power...we're here, but you're higher power will always be there!!!

Many hugs,
Gabi

Syd said...

I'm glad that you were able to have such a good perspective after such hard news with your SO. I do think that each of us is part of a bigger plan and in time that will be revealed to us. Hang in there.