Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Do I Fit In This Picture? WHERE?

Relationships? We all struggle with them in many ways I am sure. I am praying for strength and guidance in dealing with this one... my daughter.

She turns 18 tomorrow. I love her so much and am so proud of her. She is an awesome student and excels in her sport of choice. I have been there to support her at nearly every event she has competed in over the years. This season I have already used a week of vacation time so as to not miss any of her senior year competition.

Every year they have 'Senior Night' where the team's seniors are introduced during the event along with the parents and it's a pretty big deal. Last year I recall being there and wondering what this year would bring. Well, last week I overhead my 'ex' talking to her second 'ex' about senior night coming up this week, tomorrow. This is the first I heard of it as well as the last.

I am extremely hurt.

It seems that my daughter will be escorted by her mother and likely the guy she divorced just over a year ago. Yes, he still comes to her events and is involved in my sons scout troop as well. I respect the guy for all he has done for my kids all along. I can't believe that not I was not asked to be a part of senior night and it was not even mentioned to me.

My ex is very controlling and manipulative. EVERYTHING has to be her way. If you do not conform to her way, her will, then you simply do not matter and do not exist in her world. She would sooner have me not see the kids at all than actually admit I am there father and allow me to really be a part of their lives. Two weeks ago she was telling me something about the kids and she said "... my kids..." while talking to me, as if they were her kids, not our kids, WTF?

My time with them has been limited to an hour or two a week when I am allowed to come to their house and hang out for a while. I do not have my own place to take them. I rent a room in a house and really don't spend much time there. I have nowhere to go with them and trying to get permission to take them anywhere requires a seeming act of Congress.

So I have been trying to get together with my daughter since Friday and it has not worked out, possibly this evening. I feel like I need for her to know how I feel, that I love her and respect her choices but that it does hurt. I really do not want to go and sit through that ceremony... but I will... if I am a part of it or not.

I was considering talking to her mom but that is never a good idea. As soon as I question anything she starts yelling and attacking me. Honestly, I wish I never met her... aside from having my kids she has brought nothing but misery in my life. When I hear her voice in makes me want to jam hot pokers in my ears, likewise with my eyes when I see her. Through all of that I am able to be cordial and even nice to her... but when she says or does something (as she always does) that sets me off, I just have to walk away.

I am praying for strength and guidance with talking to my daughter tonight (hopefully). If anyone can relate or offer any words of wisdom, my eyes and ears are open. I am willing to do whatever the next right thing is to do. The problem is, my thinking... the next right thing to do would be to knock my 'ex' out the next time I see her. Of course I would never do that but man it is a techni-color vision in my mind!

Thank you all for reading if you did and for all of your support all along. I do not come here a lot and when I do it's usually to vent or to find help. I apologize for my lack of involvement here. I am always so busy... thanks again.



Syd said...

I don't have children but I do know disappointment. I also know about honesty from this program and how to deal with resentment. I look to the tools that the program has when difficult situations arise. I think that the answers are right there in front of me all the time.

Just Another Sober Guy said...

Thanks Syd... at least today I know not to immediately react based on gut instinct/feelings. I am able to take the 'pause' that was so hard to learn, step back and wait for the right thing.

I think the fact that my daughter and I were not able to get together in the days immediately following my initial upset was no accident. Perhaps tonight our relationship wil be strengthened when a couple of days ago I could have destroyed it.

Thanks for being a friend here, PEACE

clean and crazy said...

you know it sucks having kids who saw me in my addiction. i don't know your whole story and wouldn't want to intrude so this in no way is meant as anything other then a suggestion.
step one is a good place to start. and with any situation surrender and acceptance is always necessary. it doesn't mean you like the situation but the sooner you surrender and accept something the sooner you can stop dwelling and you stop building a resentment. you don't need resentments. as for talking with your girl, please, please use these 3 words as much as you can "I love you" let her know you love her and let her know you are proud of her. it is good to try to stand in your own truth the program teaches us that but do it with love and then be willing to let it go. she will see you for who you are and not what you ex thinks of you. i hope you enjoy every single minute with her. take care of you

Just Another Sober Guy said...

Well, I did have dinner and a nice talk with my daughter. All in all it went well. I had been praying about it since last week. I did use those '3 words' quite a bit. I told her how proud I am of her and how much a really wish for our relationship to grow. She was receptive and very understanding.

As for the whole senior night thing, I do not know what to expect. I simply asked her what is involved and she said nothing about parents or anything of the like. That doesn't mean there won't be someone else walking with her if they do that and all I can do is be there and be supportive.

God has a plan for me, my daughter and everyone else. I can only remain open to it. Thanks again!

Gabriella Moonlight said...

All I would have added is exactly what was shared, to just pray and let your higher power guide you with all you've done and who you are; your children will see this, it just takes time.

xo g